Risen

This is probably going to be a really downer post so if you’re in a good mood, don’t read on.

I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m majoring in Psychology and I intend on getting a Bachelor’s degree. So what do you do after a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology? You go on to graduate school to earn either a Master’s or a Doctorate.

After today, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to do either of those.

I used to be so set on going to grad school and getting a Ph.D. and then practicing for a few years intending on heading to academia at some point. I just don’t think I want to do that anymore.

A few weeks ago I told my mom something that I didn’t fully understand at the time. I like fixing things. When something is broken, be it people or disease or mental illness, I like fixing it. I like being able to say, “I have the solution.”

That’s part of why I think research appealed to me so much.

And it’s not that I don’t like Psychology anymore because I still do. But having looked at several graduate programs… I just don’t see how any of that fits with me or who I am. I’m really free-spirited and I value my individuality. How can I ever feel comfortable in a situation that has flourished on comparing people with one another? I am no one’s equal. I don’t fit into a little category in a box that some professor can check off and say that I do or don’t fit with a program. I’m just me. And I love who I am. I don’t want to have to tailor my personality to fit with someone else’s ideal. I want to be ME.

Going to grad school just appears to be a great big hooplah that I don’t really want to be a part of.

This all came about because I did a little more in-depth research on UNR’s psych programs. For their clinical program, from what I gathered, they do take students that don’t already have Master’s degrees into their Doctoral programs. But for cognitive and brain sciences, you’re required to have a Master’s degree already.

And to top it off… all the trappings that go with ANY graduate program–statistics classes, internships, individual studies–I just… I don’t want to do any of those things.

I don’t know anymore. I thought I wanted this so badly and now to look back and think… maybe I don’t?

The only other option I still see for myself is teaching. It’s what I wanted to do in the first place, I just wanted to go on to work in a University. I guess teaching high school English wouldn’t be so bad. I just don’t want to live on pennies per year, you know? I’ve seen my mom struggle with being a teacher and how little we’ve had to live on. She’s a smart investor though and we’ve always lived comfortably. It’s just that I don’t want to ever feel like I took the wrong path. Living on a teacher’s salary just wouldn’t cut it for me if Ray and I ever did split up. I can’t rely on the fact that he’ll make more money than I will–I have to think of this in terms of what I want for myself.

And the biggest problem with that is that I have no idea what that is.

I always swore up and down that I would never be a teacher… but then I’d have these moments where my teachers would touch my life in some way. I wouldn’t mind being that for someone. It would actually be kinda cool. But… there are so many things to think about.

I thought that maybe I could get my teacher certification and then save up to go to grad school… but I know myself and I know that there’s no way. I’d start my job and get comfortable where I was. I would definitely not want to go back into school after feeling like I’ve finally left it behind.

I wish I could just go to school forever. Be able to have the luxury of time and money. I wouldn’t even blink an eye. I would get bachelor degree after bachelor degree for the rest of my life. I would. It would be heaven for me.

Life is too complicated for my liking right now. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t understand.

This is my “it’s time to get me the hell out of here already” face. Like it?

I have so much crap to do it isn’t even funny. I worked this entire weekend on homework and projects. I literally spent about 10 hours on homework. It sucked! I’m mostly done now, which is great, but I still have to study for my animal science test coming up on Thursday. Pretty sure that test is going to eat me alive. It’s a global killer. Not a creature on earth could survive. (Guess which movie I watched the other day? haha)

I can’t believe there are only seven days separating me and Ray. I’ll be on a plane this time next week! Just seven days. I can’t believe it. I’m so excited.

I’m also really worried though. I’ve never been on so many connecting flights by myself before. Come to think of it, I’ve never been on that many connecting flights ever. Actually… have I ever even been ON a connecting flight? I don’t think so…. Ugh! So nervous. And get this, my flights are so caddywompus, I have no clue how this is going to work.

The flights are from Lubbock to San Antonio (…? Why?) to Dallas to Phoenix to Reno. Seriously? It’s a 10 hour trip including all my layovers. Guh. Ten hours in planes and airports (especially three airports I’ve never been to) are going to kill me. Not to mention four takeoffs and five landings! I hate those parts of flying!! It’s so scary

In any case, the end result: so worth it. To be able to have my honey in my arms is going to be the best prize ever.

It also seems weird that it’s almost Thanksgiving already. I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by. And it baffles my mind that Ray and I are coming up on our four month anniversary. Well, this time at least. In April we’ll have known each other for four years. Man, I feel old! I’ll be twenty then… and I don’t know how I feel about that.

This seems like a seasonal “turning point” time-related type mood. All of a sudden all kinds of thoughts pertaining to time and age have swooped down upon me.

1. I’m about to take on my biggest travel adventure yet: three connecting flights in five airports. By myself.
2. I’m about to spend my very first holiday completely without any blood family. I consider Ray part of my family already anyway, but I’ve never spent a national holiday without some member of my blood family. It’s weird. Last year’s birthday doesn’t count–that’s not a holiday.
3. I’m also about ready to spend my first “family holiday” with the man I’m going to marry and his family. I’m very nervous about that one. But also excited.
4. And in a month or so when Ray comes down to my house for Christmas, that will be the first time I’ve ever had a boyfriend stay at my house as a “guest” or whatnot. Ray is also only the second boy I’ve ever been  allowed to let stay overnight. The other boyfriend was for Prom my senior year and I don’t think that should count seeing as it was Prom. lol
5. In December sometime, mom and I are going to get tattoos together. While it won’t be my first (or second or third), it will be my first highly painful (on my foot) tattoo and my first “matching” tattoo. Technically, they aren’t going to be matching though. My mom and I are getting the same subject but tattooed in different ways. So that’s a first.
6. Then, next February I turn a whopping 20 years old. I think I want to throw up just thinking about it. That’s the biggest “new” thing I’ve got on my mind. I don’t know how I’m going to feel about not being a teenager anymore.

My memories and my consciousness are really bad. I have very few tangible memories from before I was 12. Then, everything goes bleak and undesirable anyway. I don’t really want to remember much from before I was 16. Honestly, I only want to remember bits and pieces from the time I was 16 to 18. And then I choose to remember everything since then.

But the point is… 95% of my conscious, waking, alert self has been a teenager. I remember very little before I was in the ‘teens and now… It’s going to be bizarre. Don’t get me wrong, I guess I’m kind of pumped up about finally being in my 20’s. But still. It’s like… the death of an era! haha

Anyway. Enough moping and reminiscing and thinking for now. Time to get back to the slave mills.